The chef at the bistro I work at quit, so now I have so much more work to do, since I also help out in the kitchen, not just at the barista post. Frankly, I am exhausted.
But in the past week I realised something very scary. I am depressed. I feel left behind, unwanted. I do nothing all day when I am not working, I just watch Netflix and eat... no wonder I have been gaining weight.
I wanted to go on a run more often, work out more often but I just cannot find the energy inside. I am no longer happy with the body I have, but instead of doing something about it, I just sit home and gloat like a little brat. And the reason is that I am emotionally drained. As much as I hate people I hate being alone..... and being alone makes me exhausted. Still I do not change anything. I am not looking for anyone's company. I don't know if any of that makes sense. Maybe writing it down will help eventually.
I feel like my life lacks purpose. I don't know what I am supposed to do. This blog is called Carpe Diem, I am supposed to write about how I make most of the present. But I just let it pass me by without taking advantage of any moments.... deep down I want to change, but I just don't feel the power within to do that.
Sounds bullshit, I know that. The 16 years old me would be terribly disappointed in me. She was fierce and goal driven. She advanced, she had energy and dreams she thought she will achieve. Now I sit here, 5 years later letting my life go to waste and I don't know what I really want.
Now, that's not true. I want to be skinny without having to do shit for it, I want to be rich without working for it, I want to travel without spending a fortune on it, and I want to go to school without feeling the pressure it causes. Those are things I want but will never have. Because everything has a consequence. Maybe that is what the 16 y/o me didn't accept. That is why she was so much better at life than I am now.
She traveled to and through countless cities, saw many sights while I don't even buy a monthly bus-pass so I could travel around the city because I find it unnecessary since I will just be working anyways. Back then my parents paid for all the things I had to pay for. So yes, maybe it is not just me being alone that got me so down. It is also life that put a knife in my back deep enough that my will to fight has lost a significant firepower.
But here is the thing. She is still within somewhere, and I know that this is just temporary. I will get better. When I find that little light at the end of the depressing tunnel I am going through at the moment, I will become someone I can be proud of.
Sure enough I am not searching with all the power I have at the moment, but this is temporary. I feel it. I feel that soon I will have the strength to get up. Just need a little time to heal my wounds, and learn to stand up again. I know that all I need is feel a little bit of self pity and when I feel pathetic enough, I will shake it all off.
I already feel pretty pathetic, but it isn't time yet. I need to get to the point when I just cry it out and it will be fine. I had an "era" like this before. I was self-harming just to feel something. And one day, I looked at my scar and wound covered arms and I realised that I was spiralling down and I needed to get my shit together. And I did. Sounds bad, and I know I should get help or whatever, but I know my mind and its games and pains. I know how this works and as much as I want to stop it now, I know I can't for a little while longer. I just need to feel a little more lost than I do right now.
Just a little more pathetic.
But I will stand up. I know. I always do. Until then, I still have Netflix, and as soon as I am out of sweets my weight will probably stop increasing. Then, I will pursue Carpe Diem. I will make the changes I need to make and I will be a better brick in the wall than I am now.
But in the past week I realised something very scary. I am depressed. I feel left behind, unwanted. I do nothing all day when I am not working, I just watch Netflix and eat... no wonder I have been gaining weight.
I wanted to go on a run more often, work out more often but I just cannot find the energy inside. I am no longer happy with the body I have, but instead of doing something about it, I just sit home and gloat like a little brat. And the reason is that I am emotionally drained. As much as I hate people I hate being alone..... and being alone makes me exhausted. Still I do not change anything. I am not looking for anyone's company. I don't know if any of that makes sense. Maybe writing it down will help eventually.
I feel like my life lacks purpose. I don't know what I am supposed to do. This blog is called Carpe Diem, I am supposed to write about how I make most of the present. But I just let it pass me by without taking advantage of any moments.... deep down I want to change, but I just don't feel the power within to do that.
Sounds bullshit, I know that. The 16 years old me would be terribly disappointed in me. She was fierce and goal driven. She advanced, she had energy and dreams she thought she will achieve. Now I sit here, 5 years later letting my life go to waste and I don't know what I really want.
Now, that's not true. I want to be skinny without having to do shit for it, I want to be rich without working for it, I want to travel without spending a fortune on it, and I want to go to school without feeling the pressure it causes. Those are things I want but will never have. Because everything has a consequence. Maybe that is what the 16 y/o me didn't accept. That is why she was so much better at life than I am now.
She traveled to and through countless cities, saw many sights while I don't even buy a monthly bus-pass so I could travel around the city because I find it unnecessary since I will just be working anyways. Back then my parents paid for all the things I had to pay for. So yes, maybe it is not just me being alone that got me so down. It is also life that put a knife in my back deep enough that my will to fight has lost a significant firepower.
But here is the thing. She is still within somewhere, and I know that this is just temporary. I will get better. When I find that little light at the end of the depressing tunnel I am going through at the moment, I will become someone I can be proud of.
Sure enough I am not searching with all the power I have at the moment, but this is temporary. I feel it. I feel that soon I will have the strength to get up. Just need a little time to heal my wounds, and learn to stand up again. I know that all I need is feel a little bit of self pity and when I feel pathetic enough, I will shake it all off.
I already feel pretty pathetic, but it isn't time yet. I need to get to the point when I just cry it out and it will be fine. I had an "era" like this before. I was self-harming just to feel something. And one day, I looked at my scar and wound covered arms and I realised that I was spiralling down and I needed to get my shit together. And I did. Sounds bad, and I know I should get help or whatever, but I know my mind and its games and pains. I know how this works and as much as I want to stop it now, I know I can't for a little while longer. I just need to feel a little more lost than I do right now.
Just a little more pathetic.
But I will stand up. I know. I always do. Until then, I still have Netflix, and as soon as I am out of sweets my weight will probably stop increasing. Then, I will pursue Carpe Diem. I will make the changes I need to make and I will be a better brick in the wall than I am now.
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