I have been alone for 16 days, and frankly I am not doing that bad. Obviously I have troubles sleeping, knowing that nobody is there nor will be when I wake up, but that is the least of my troubles.
My best friend is finally home from Nevada, so today I get to spend time with her as soon as she gets off work. These types of human contacts help me keep going. I do not have many friends, 2 or 3 at most but I realised that you do not need more. All those people who are friends everybody too have 2-3 people at most whom they share everything with. The rest is just to keep them company and I have more work than to keep up make-believe friendships.
I cannot wait for the verdict on my uni application. I am thrilled for going back to school, and that fills me with positivity towards the future. Sounds cliché, but I believe the universe serves you with what you want. My godmother always told me that it is, however, is a two sided blade. You can't pray for things in a negative light. For example, if you want something very badly not to happen, it will happen because you give it thought and energy. The Universe can't hear no.
For a long time, I didn't believe in these things... but lately it has proven to be right. I really wanted that barista job at Bruberi, and I got it. I really wanted my uni application to go through the system and it did. I really wanted to see my godmother and she is coming to Budapest this summer. I really wanted Vagabond shoes, and I was able to afford them last week.
You could say these are all self made achievements, since I also really worked hard on these things, but honestly I worked so hard because I had hope that there is a higher power that will grant me a tiny bit of assistance if it sees that I truly want to reach these goals.
I don't consider myself religious, nor an atheist. I believe that there is a higher power, I believe that there is an energy flowing through all living things. I believe in Karma. But I do not believe that this higher power wants to be coated in gold and have a weekly attendance in church. To me, it is a force that is there to help us live a life we deserve and work for. That past life bullshit? Not really my cup of tea. Birth represents the beginning of something new, therefore I think it is also a clean slate. Even if it is in the poorest parts of India or Africa, I think we have multiple lives to learn multiple lessons. If there is Heaven or Nirvana or whatever, I have no clue. I hope there is, but I am pretty sure I am very far from it with many things to learn and many lives to live. But if we consider the scientific approach where energy doesn't disappear it just transforms into something else, I don't think you pass on and find peace. Your soul just transforms into something else. But again, nobody went there and came back to tell us the story.
Maybe purgatory is our lives on Earth. We suffer now to find peace at the end of the road. Who knows....
Now that I have put my religious belief out there I can see that it is not a fix thing. Kind of like wet clay, formable and not really set in stone. Just like me... not yet defined, not yet certain. Maybe one day. I would love to study philosophy, but I am afraid that it will make me more confused than I already am. Not really keen on that idea, since it is a mess in my head most of the time. There is no need for a random lecture to make me question my existence even more.
One day I will dig into that also, but until then I will try to tame the storm of thoughts and morph them into a train of though that can be followed.
My best friend is finally home from Nevada, so today I get to spend time with her as soon as she gets off work. These types of human contacts help me keep going. I do not have many friends, 2 or 3 at most but I realised that you do not need more. All those people who are friends everybody too have 2-3 people at most whom they share everything with. The rest is just to keep them company and I have more work than to keep up make-believe friendships.
I cannot wait for the verdict on my uni application. I am thrilled for going back to school, and that fills me with positivity towards the future. Sounds cliché, but I believe the universe serves you with what you want. My godmother always told me that it is, however, is a two sided blade. You can't pray for things in a negative light. For example, if you want something very badly not to happen, it will happen because you give it thought and energy. The Universe can't hear no.
For a long time, I didn't believe in these things... but lately it has proven to be right. I really wanted that barista job at Bruberi, and I got it. I really wanted my uni application to go through the system and it did. I really wanted to see my godmother and she is coming to Budapest this summer. I really wanted Vagabond shoes, and I was able to afford them last week.
You could say these are all self made achievements, since I also really worked hard on these things, but honestly I worked so hard because I had hope that there is a higher power that will grant me a tiny bit of assistance if it sees that I truly want to reach these goals.
I don't consider myself religious, nor an atheist. I believe that there is a higher power, I believe that there is an energy flowing through all living things. I believe in Karma. But I do not believe that this higher power wants to be coated in gold and have a weekly attendance in church. To me, it is a force that is there to help us live a life we deserve and work for. That past life bullshit? Not really my cup of tea. Birth represents the beginning of something new, therefore I think it is also a clean slate. Even if it is in the poorest parts of India or Africa, I think we have multiple lives to learn multiple lessons. If there is Heaven or Nirvana or whatever, I have no clue. I hope there is, but I am pretty sure I am very far from it with many things to learn and many lives to live. But if we consider the scientific approach where energy doesn't disappear it just transforms into something else, I don't think you pass on and find peace. Your soul just transforms into something else. But again, nobody went there and came back to tell us the story.
Maybe purgatory is our lives on Earth. We suffer now to find peace at the end of the road. Who knows....
Now that I have put my religious belief out there I can see that it is not a fix thing. Kind of like wet clay, formable and not really set in stone. Just like me... not yet defined, not yet certain. Maybe one day. I would love to study philosophy, but I am afraid that it will make me more confused than I already am. Not really keen on that idea, since it is a mess in my head most of the time. There is no need for a random lecture to make me question my existence even more.
One day I will dig into that also, but until then I will try to tame the storm of thoughts and morph them into a train of though that can be followed.
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